A bit of
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Billy Connolly
AMAZING WORD TRICKS
A. Did you know that the words "race car" spelt backwards still spells "race car"?
B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?
C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, It spells out:
"Go home you fucking free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking arseholes and take those other fucking hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat fucking, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?
A. Did you know that the words "race car" spelt backwards still spells "race car"?
B. Did you know that "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?
C. And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, It spells out:
"Go home you fucking free-loading, benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, non-English speaking arseholes and take those other fucking hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, goat fucking, raggedy-ass bastards with you"?
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Some Funnies :)
Darwin Awards.
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve
his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran",
accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used
their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It
took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones
was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight
he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who
said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth
and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door,
a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The
shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up
and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also
drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by
Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases
in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt. ****
HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2
A.M. So they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see
what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was
closed. ****
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said
they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle
of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped
along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of
the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham,
who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and
then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his
fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's
foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant
continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just
one of those freak accidents that proves...
'Shit happens'
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water
after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve
his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran",
accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection
from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it
collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used
their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It
took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones
was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight
he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who
said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth
and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door,
a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The
shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up
and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also
drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by
Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases
in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt. ****
HONOURABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2
A.M. So they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see
what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was
closed. ****
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said
they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle
of traffic. The conversation grew more excited, and at least 10 men trooped
along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of
the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham,
who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of
lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and
then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his
fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's
foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated
elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries,
figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr
Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant
continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just
one of those freak accidents that proves...
'Shit happens'
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
______________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water
_________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
_________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
_______________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
_______________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.. Come naked.
_________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
_________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney , and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
_______________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
_________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
_________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
_________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
_________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.
________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
______________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water
_________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
_________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
_______________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Face south, and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
_______________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.. Come naked.
_________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
_________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney , and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
_______________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.
_________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
_________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
_________________________________________
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
_________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
